My paper is at 2pm later. God bless.... Hope I make it.... Really regret nt reading newspaper more often. Hope some topics like Bird Flu or Oil prices comes out. At least I know wat is going on. If some shit on country-to-country political relations comes out, I'm fuking dead! I'm just not a political person. Lolx! Some business student I am.....

"Maybe god wants us to go thru hardship so that we can appreciate the finer things in life better at a later stage....."

2 More to go

One down.... 2 more papers to go.... After my IM paper, everything seems so much easier cause the next 2 are open book exams. So not much things to memorize. Jus nd to understand. Can't wait for it to be all over. Then I can enjoy life till Dec before I officially start work.

These 2 days, memories of the past keeps flashing thru my mind. Everywhere I go, I seems to catch a glimpse of the past. I guess as I get older, reminiscing the past is a luxury cause I can't go back to then and I'm slowly getting further and further away from it. Sometimes it scares me when those pictures in my mind are so vivid. Oh heck.... This will go away....

New Look for My Blog

Hmm.... so happy with myself... Finally figure out roughly how to use the templates to use nice layout. Although I am an IT idiot but at least I manage to do something nice for my blog.

Supposed to be studyin but then again cannot resist the urge to jus try it out. End up doing it from last night and continued again jus now. Now done... I think can finally go concentrate on my International Marketing. Still got lots more to study.....

No Life at All

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so boring! Everyday jus passes like tat.... Feel so no life man.... Can something jus happen?

Haiz....

OMFG! My exam is starting this Fri and I haven start a single bit. Am I gonna fail? Gosh... I really better start (well... been telling myself that for the whole of last week.....) Been working lots recently. Hopefully can earn more and buy Jas a nice present this Christmas and annivasary. =) Thinking of it, time flies so super duper fast. We have been together for 3yrs. Though nt long, but it's nt exactly a short period of time either.... Oh well...

Looking forward to this December. Have agreed to work for Robin. The terms he offered me this time round is more attractive so I thought might as well go for it. Zuo Sheng Bu Ru Zuo Shou mah.... However, the work this time is rather different. I have to be responsible for cliniching own deals. So how high a paycheck I get that month depends on how much effort I put in. A bit nervous 'bout it. But it should be a good challenge for myself.

AHHH!!! Finally gonna see 4-digit figure in my bank account again. Haven seen it for such a looooooooooooooooong time.... Gonna be richer now.... er... hopefully. Lolx! Though I'll be earning more, I'm sure there's gonne be more to spend also not forgeting bills.... Think the basic should be able to see me thru comfortably? I guess so.....

In this way, Jas' load would also be lighten and we can start planning ..... ahead.... Finally I see some light.....

Self Torture... Wahahaha

I think i got a self-torture tendency, in a mental kinda way. Whenever I'm feeling sad, I like to listen to songs that makes me even more depressed. Like to hear those very touching songs that I can relate to. Then I'll relieve the memories in me and cry myself to sleep. Is this normal? Although I go to sleep in a depressed mood but I always wake up the next day in a relieved mood. It's like I get to relieve my stress that way and helps me get on with life. Maybe this is my way of relaxing.... sounds wierd eh? nvm...

Recovered finally

Thought i was getting better but end up being "sicker" than before the past 2 days. Had to drag myself to work morning shift on Mon. It was so terrible! Whole body felt so weak. Couldn't get a replacement for Tues. Thought might as well go work, but when I woke up, really cannot make it.

Called Sammi and asked if she can work full shift and guess wat? She's my saviour! Lolx. She agreed. Spared me a day of agony. *muacks* Thanks to her, after a day of rest, I'm feeling so much better. Went to work as usual on Wed. Lucky me, sales nt too bad.

Jas brought me to my fav "Scissors Curry Rice" for dinner together with Kel, Eug and Tabby. Hmm.... finally after eating plain food for a few days, I get to enjoy some yummy food.

With a full stomach, can go slp le. haha! Pig... (I know) Lolx

"Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from"

~ Al Franken

----------------------

Just wanna share this quote which I came across... Mistakes are probably what we call lessons in life. We learn from them the hard way and we learn nt to make the same mistakes again. Yet, sometimes I feel it is too painful a way to learn. Still.... No pain no gain... Haiz... Hopefully whatever mistakes I commit in the future won'y strike me too hard....

Am feeling so much better today. After drinking fresh orange juice, eating honey and lots of lozenges, my throat is not as sore. Fever has gone down also. Lucky... If nt I'll hv a terrible time at work tml.

Talking bout work... Wish myself good sales tml. Haha! So that I can get more tips.

Haiz... I shld start studying for my exams already. But no mood leh. hehe! Joei oso no mood. 2 papers are open book de... Dunno will be easy or difficult. Sometimes hor... open book exams more tricky cause they will purposely set the questions nt in textbook de... So irritating!

*cough cough* Damn... the cough is coming again. Shoo.. go away. I wanna be well again. I wanna sing! I wan to go KTV!!!!!

So Sick of It!

Feeling bloody sick now... Fever plus sore throat. Having headache as well, but jus can't get to sleep.

Somehow I seems to be in a depression mood. Dun like this kinda feeling. Somehow I feel so alone. It's always this kinda mood that gets me thinking about all sorts of stuff. I worry about nothing and everything else. It's like... so much running thru my head till I dunno what is going on. It's a neither here nor there feeling.

Hate self pity, but i'm feeling miserable now....

Had a mahjong session with Jac, Adrian and Meow on Fri.... Indeed mahjong did cheer me up but at the expense of a 70 bucks. Yes! I lost tat much and not counting the previous week when i lost about 80. Haiz... Really wonder izzit I suay or really I dunno how to play. Lolx! But it was fun lah. As usual so many jokes lor...

Wanted to play again jus now. Adrain and Jac got jio play. But i paiseh play and leave Jas alone on a Sat nite. Not that we have anywhere to go, jus thought that it would be good to spend some time together during a weekend. But... he slept most of the time. Wat to do? Same as usual.... Haiz....

Went makan teochew porridge jus now. Very nice and nt ex. So damn full now then cannot slp.... and my throat hurts badly... Think gonna fall sick soon.

Ben was telling me about the new Swift Sport tat is coming up and he is waiting to win toto to buy it. It so happens that Jas also mention that he wanna win toto to buy Evo 9. Do all guys have the same wish to win toto so as to buy some amazing dream car? Can't u do something else with that money? Like bring gf on a shopping tour? CAn buy lots with tat kinda money man. Lolx!

Ben is such a car freak. I bet if he won a million dollars, he would spend it all on car. He would buy his Golf GTI, then Swift sport and mod those 2 machines till they can fly. Keep dreaming huh... Call me when u really strike it. Lolx!

That's it... Time to slp... Time for me to dream........

Happiness or Money?

Nice Sunset View huh? Happiness is being able to watch the sunset with the one you love.....

Qiang my pri cum sec sch friend asked me a freaking cliche question - "Would i prefer to be rich or be happy? Can only choose one" I came to a conclusion that i would prefer to b happy. Cause when u are happy, u are satisfied with everything else and u dun ask for more. It is only when one is unhappy and not satisfied with life then he/she will prefer to be rich. To satisfy oneself in another way. True?

He says when he use to work as a sales exec, his pay is poor but life is carefree. Now with his current job, his pay is higher but life is worse. So it jus goes to prove my point tat more money doesn't mean a happier life rite?

But these scenario doesn't necessary mean that got money means will be unhappy lah....
It's just a "what if" question. Like u can only choose either to be rich but unhappy or happy but not rich. Which u will choose....

So bottomline: I want to be Happy!!!!

Disgusting call

Damn... Was woken up from a phone call jus now. And worse of all, it had to be him. The "him" is the bastard Kelvin (nt to b confused with the other kel).

Called to borrow money again. Fuck! He think I'm still like last time? He was the one who got me in my predicament now and still wanna borrow money. Fuck spider lah.

Even dare to ask me how am I doing with Jas, y nt yet break. If break le he wanna "chase" me again. *pui pui pui* Tell me he no hp le so only he can call me and say next time call me won't b borrowing money le, will "tan xing" with me. Kowz... So er xin ah.... Spoil my bloody mood for the day. =(

Sianz... tml submitting last project le. Finally... after so long... I still owe Iris 2 journal not done yet. Oops. Shld have sent her last nite but jus cannot finish in time. Better get back to work now....

Headache... Wanna slp

Spend the day at home doing project. But cannot really concentrate.... Dunno why oso. Having headache now. Maybe been sleeping too late these few days. Oh man... Headache... Go away pls....

Gonna slp now. Hopefully I can wake up to a better tml. (haha! sounds so lao tu)

Boring Day at Home

Spent a boring day at home yesterday. Adrian jio mj yesterday but I couldn't make it. Sianz... That is one thing that can bring up my mood yet I couldn't play last nite.

Could not sleep again last nite. Think i only fell asleep at bout 5am. Keep tossing and turning in bed. It's not because I was thinking of something. Probably due to an unsettled mind. Like mind being overactive or something.

Even when I fell asleep, I keep waking up. I could nt even differentiate was I in my dreams or in reality.

Btw, I dreamt I had a baby.... Was carrying the baby. Even went out shopping with the baby. I have ever heard that a baby in dream signifies a rebirth.... Does this mean I am embarking on a new life soon?

"When love is in excess it brings a man nor honor nor any worthiness"

Does it mean that when we love someone too much, the excess love will result one in losing his/her honor and does things in a a non-logical way? Someone help me define the quote....

My mood was on a see-saw the entire day. Can feel the sadness and frustrations seeping out of me. This is a good thing rite?

Told Jas the gist of what happen tat day. He says it's up to me to decide how I want it to be. He didn't show any signs of unhappiness but I know it will be uneasy on him. He was really sensitive towards how I feel. I promise him that I won't allow such things to happen again. I think I've already got enough of all these shit.....

Instead of the usual goodbye kiss today. Jas gave me a hug before he left. I think he wants to assure me of his feelings. Sometimes he really can be so sweet.... Maybe that is why I fell in love with him in the first place. *sigh* Love.... it is such a miracle and it can be such a torture. Memories can also either be a beautiful one or a heart wrenching one. It is all up to an individual to decide.

Trying to describe how I feel now. But somehow the words dun come out. Serenity... Maybe tat is wat is surrounding me now.

After some thoughts, I think I wanna say this.....

"I am a Loser!I am being a bitch"

A loser who can't deal with my damn life properly... I end up hurting everyone!

Hurting all who loves me!

Come to think of it! I hate myself more than anything now.....

(Sorry kel i know u say i shldn't be saying myself like this. But i think Jac and Adrian are rite.... I am cruel. I din spare a thought for Jas. Tat's y i wanna curse myself. Let me be....)

Feeling at Peace

He told me he deleted me frm his list cause i had my blog address on my profile and his gf might see it. But come to think of it, if his gf has been noticing my friendster acct, she might have known that I am connected to some of his friends. And if she is really interested in my acct, she can still find it some how. Did it ever occur to him?

So... Let me state here in my blog in case his gf ever read this....

"NOTHING HAPPENED BETWEEN ME AND HIM TAT NITE! HE IS STILL FAITHFUL TO YOU. HE WON"T LEAVE U FOR ME. GET IT? HE LOVES YOU."

*phew*

Feeling so much better now. A wave of calmness is settling in me. Feeling kinda stupid all of a sudden..... I guess it would be a good move to cut off contacts at this moment. I jus nd to know he is doing well....that's all. My guess is that, the entire episode din hurt him at all.

I am only hurting myself. Time to get over it... I know I will get over it. I know I love Jas... Jus tat there are certain things that I can't let go... I have to let go. I need to let go.... I know I am repeating myself. Jus wanna remind myself....

Time will heal all wounds (so cliche....)

Once again.... thank you my dear friends.... for all the concern. I nd mahjong to cheer me up again. Lolx!

Killing myself!

Wtf!!!!! He deleted me from his friendster account?! Wat does this mean..... I thought he said still friends? And this is how he does it? Fucking hell!!!! I hate him! I hate myself! I hate my fucking life!

How the hell it ended up like this? This is shit man.... Total shit!

I fucked myself up! Someone shoot me pls! Use a god damn gun. Shoot me! Jus kill me.....

Mahjong Cheered me Up

Mahjong cheered me up yesterday. Although I lost but somehow, I'm still glad I played. It helps to relieve me of my emotion.

Was supposed to go over to Jas place after I woke up yesterday, but somehow din feel like it. So I stayed home till Jac call me to go play mahjong. Thought might as well let Jas have a good sleep. I know somehow, Jas has sense wat happened the previous night. After mahjong, we went to meet Eug and Jas for dinner. He was rather quiet. Even when we went to catch a show after that, he wasn't quite himself..... I feel really bad. Jus feel it isn't fair to him.... But I dunno wat else to do.....

He sms me "Wat I dun understand is y after u meet him le always end up like that". I replied "I dun understand either...." What a lame answer, but truth is I really hv no idea. He said he wasn't angry and ask me to slp well.

Talked to him jus now, he sounds fine. I wish everything is really just fine.....

Oh by the way, I watched 40-Year Old Virgin. Rather hilarious... Not bad. (Jus in case someone needs a review)

It's over.....

Finally woke up from a nightmare.... or was it real..... It all felt so true. The hurt and the disappointment. It must have been real.....

What started off as a nice evening, turned out to be the worst day of my life. No... I should say one of the worse days in life. (I had many)

Had butterflies in my stomach the entire day. For so many times, I thought of backing out from the gathering. It jus didn't feel right. Should have listen to my gut feel. I went anyway in the end.

I made sure to dress my best and to keep my composure and I did... only for the early part of the evening. I chatted and smiled like we were all old friends. But i felt the distance between us. He was keeping a distance.... and as the night goes on, all the pretendence was wearing me out. We waited for Gen to finish with her work before we proceeded to Indochine for some drinks. It was a nice place actually, jus to chill out. I ordered a Mohitos. Nice! It tasted sweet with a bitter aftertaste, jus like how I was feeling.... Finished it fast and felt the effect of the drink. I ordered another beer. Slowly, the past keep crawling into my head. Gen said, "We'll all go WhyNot later k? He will go as long as Von go." Somehow, that sentence pierced thru my heart, cause I know that is nt the case.

Whatever happens after that was all a blur.... I went thru the night in tears... I didn't know what I want and I didn't know how to stop myself acting the way I was. I jus didn't want him to leave there and then. I almost felt my heart stop when he walk away leaving me there. Then again, I know he had to.

Lucky for me, Jac, Adrian and Meow came and save the day. I know Jac held me and let me cry telling me he dun deserve me.... But the cold hard truth is I dun deserve him. Not much pple knows wat went on before. All I can say was, I made a terrible mistake and I've never regretted that badly before.

Thank you Jac, Thank you Adrian, Thank you Meow for flying all the way down. It was a horrible sight. Really glad that u guys were there for me. It's great to know there's friends who care.

she has a stirrin heart dat no1 noes.
swayin in tears,i felt her love on the cliff tonite
oh gal..y do u yearn tis much
of a love u can nvr reach

That was the poem that Jac wrote. I inspired her. Lol. She potrayed the scenario so well. Tears jus cannot stop reading it. She's so talented..... =)

I had a good nite's sleep... and now it's time to start all over again. God pls give me the courage to move on.... I need it.....


P.S: Bro Samuel... If you're reading this, I wanna say sorry for spoiling the evening and thank you for your support. You're rite, it has been 3 years and it's time to let go.